Ding ding….Round 2….. Orphaned chicks, Status Quo roadies, Roland Rat, ‘Astro’, diesel spills, Russian Prince’s, blah blah blah matey, Wham! and a few Carp…….
We had only waited for 364 days for Saturday 18th April to finally appear. Months and days of non-stop chatter about swim choice, bait, rigs and could we wear socks with croc’s on the journey out had all eventually bought us to this moment, a cold and damp Dover Eurostar car park.
We joined a few sad herberts in olive green along with some Hell’s Angel’s sipping their caramel skinny latte’s, as we waited for the magic call to board and start our journey.
We were up, and our little convoy started off….
Top Cat and Sleepy on point, Blanko and Teabag behind, Boilie and new boy Duo and following up the rear was Tea Cosy…..we could not wait to get there and fingers and rods were crossed for no delays in reaching the Mecca of Molyneux.
Tea Cosy was loaded into the car wagon, as the rest went into the over height wagon with their transits.
Our departure time came and went, and after a 10 minute delay an announcement was made that due to a coach departing without one of its passengers we needed to wait for them to catch up and load.
15 minutes went by and we were all tutting and cursing the cause of the delay when the on board steward appeared and explained we now had a second delay….. a car had loaded that was leaking diesel and due to safety checks there was a further delay.
Our travelling contingent contains a couple of folk from Bermondsey way, whose vocabulary consists of two key words… F$$K and C%%T……they form the majority of any sentence and conversation, and at this point Carriage No.2 on the Eurostar was blue with them….we were not happy.
Just at this point Teabags phone rang and it was his Brother, Tea Cosy, ‘yeah, yeah, yeah, what do you mean you have to wait for the AA to tow you off at the other end’
Oh yes, Tea Cosy had got off to a flier in his attempt to win the Dick of the Day award – he had overfilled his van with diesel which had leaked on loading. It was finally cleaned up and off we set. Oh the irony, in the real world Tea Cosy is a mechanic….
On arriving we quickly gathered up and hit the road down to Molyneux, with just a quick coffee stop on the way, which was mainly an opportunity to flog Tea Cosy or as he would variously now be known as ‘Diesel’ or ‘Vin’.
That magic feeling of arriving at the Gates of Molyneux, there can be no finer site for a Carp fisherman….well ok rather than Wally waiting to greet us it could have been a half dozen Victoria’s Secret models each holding a mug of tea and a packet of hob nobs, but on this occasion Wally and Rudi and Mabel were a very welcome site.
We were quickly parked up and saying hello to Wally and Helen, it was great to be back…..we all had one eye on the lake, scheming all ready.
After a walk around the lake and a chat about what had been coming out, we had the draw. Top Cat would be in Barn, Teabag in Double, Tea Cosy in Jacks, Sleepy in Cabin (literally if he had his way) Boilie in Social 1, Duo in Social 2 and Blanko in Stones. We were all happy with our swim’s and off we set…..trying to appear casual ‘ahhh no rush, might not get me rod’s out until after dinner, just watch the water, am here for a week, take it easy’
Ten minutes later 21 lines simultaneously hit the water in one fashion or another ‘just getting them out of the way’ as all were determined to try and get a quick fish and avoid the fate of Blanko last year….who still wore the look of a beaten man putting a brave face on it ‘just treat it like a holiday, no pressure, its not all about the fish, enjoy it’…..he kept repeating this through clenched teeth and a sweating brow. We would need to check for snide rods down the margins….
We convened for dinner at 6 and were all happy with our afternoons work….bivvies up, pods out, lines marked, rod lengths wrapped, depths recorded, teas brewed….we were ready. As always Dinner was marvelous, shepherds pie by the truckload and very nice too. We waddled back to our swims ready for some serious business.
Last year had required the UN to be called to perform peace making between the father and son duo of Top Cat and Sleepy….this year they were separated by 500 metres and Teabag.
Now Teabag likes a brew. And Top Cat only wipes his arse because nobody else will do it for him. That combination meant that Top Cat had his tea bitch for the week and old Teabag would eventually run out of tea, gas, milk and sugar as he kept Top Cat in brews….. ‘that kettle on yet Kevlar’…’yes its boiled bring your cup round….’ehhh just tying a rig can you bring it over’…….’my right hand rod is twitching you’ll have to come over’…..’ehhhhh my middle and left hand rod just had beeps you’ll have to come over’……’all three of my rods bleeped I can’t come over’……….until stalemate was reached and the kettle would go cold and they would start again…….every night.
The weather during the day was hot, too hot for great carp catching conditions but great weather for our two boys from Wham!…….Duo and Boilie thought they were filming a video for Club Tropicana…..stripped to pants with beers chilling……….Tiger Nut and Maple glug wiped all over for the extra burn factor, they were basking in the sun and would return home a couple of shades redder than when they left. The bottle bank would be considerably heavier as well….
Duo was new to the group for this year, but had quickly settled in and everyone was hoping he would have a good trip and catch some fish.
Which he would….mainly of one variety….all of us would wish to catch one….but probably not 4…….Grass Carp. He was catching them so regularly we thought he was spodding Miracle Grow…..at one stage he wasn’t sure whether to cast out or get the mower out….they were clearly liking what he was doing. With help from Boilie and Blanko he managed to deal with the onslaught of Grass carp or as Top Cat referred to them as ‘ an ugly common’. Duo was in danger of having a name change to ‘Astro’….
Talking of lawn mowers……we like to nominate someone for Dick of the Day at dinner each evening and the winner gets to wear the coveted yellow T shirt. It’s self regulated so you have to fess up if you have done something worthy.
That day our beloved Wally had experienced a bit of a ‘mare. He had killed his outboard by hitting the prop on some gravel, and on returning to dry land had managed to kill the lawn mower by trying to make it eat plastic……..all we can say is that Wally looked great in yellow.
With the Lawn Mower broken Tea Cosy volunteered his mechanic skills to fix it, which he duly did, which was great news….we just didn’t let him fill it with diesel.
Social 1 is a long chuck to the back of the Island…..no bait boats allowed in our crew……and Boilie was having to give it some to get there….he had his new Custom built rods, he had been bulking out for extra power (either that or had left his boilie caddy under his t-shirt) and was hitting the spots…top angling.
However, this did come at a price…..he had cracked off a couple of times……when I say a couple, the local village had to be warned to stay indoors when he was casting due to low flying leads……..’crackkkkkkk………….f$$k it’ was a phrase the local community would become used to….small French children learning their first words may well be uttering this phrase to shocked parents as we speak…
Sleepy was in Cabin, and with a strong wind into his face was struggling to hit his spots….so one morning after the huge morning fry up, we volunteered Boilies services to cast out and get Sleepy on his spots. We all gathered round, took a seat in the sun, and readied ourselves for the masterclass. ‘Crackkkkk……..f$$k it’ on the first cast……. oh how we sympathized and offered supporting words. We slunk away leaving Sleepy to tie a new rig.
Rumor has it that Boilie has Russian Parents and maybe a Russian Prince……. his ancestral family name is Krakov.
Being spread out across the lake, to keep in contact during the night, and to keep up the sledging and humiliation, we had a set of walkie talkies. Easy to use, press call and speak….just speak…….as if the person was stood in front of you….nothing difficult.
‘blah blah blah blah matey’ ????????????
‘Can’t hear you say again’
‘blah blah blah blah matey’ ??????????
‘ cannot f%%%%ing hear you!’
Our friend Teabag was trying to put on a sexy radio friendly voice, which came out like the whisper of a dying 60’s DJ, it was impossible to understand him.
The Walkie Talkies also encouraged some selective hearing, especially at 3am when certain folk did not want to leave their warm bivvy….’sorry mate could’nt hear you, you should have shouted’….
One night, early morning, Duo was busy mowing his lawn and hauling another Grassy…….Blanko was on hand with the net……..Boilie was not happy as said Grassy had kited through his lines and it was a scene of chaos liberally littered with some fine South London vocabulary ……flashing head torches, beeping delkims, wet socks, shivering and an angry 30Lb plus Grassy to contend with…………..’cheep cheep’ ‘cheep cheep’……..’what was that’ said Blanko ‘ don’t fucking care, get that net in the water’…’cheep cheep’ ‘cheep cheep’…..’hang on there’s a chick between my feet, I don’t want to tread on it’….’where is the f$$$ing net! F$$$ the chick’…..’I ain’t treading on it, squashed chick all over the swim’……
A little and very lost chick had wandered into Duo’s swim and was clearly looking for it’s family. Blanko picked the chick up and moved it out of harms way, Duo landed the angry Grassy, and Boilie completed the Rubiks cube of un-tangling his lines whilst muttering ‘don’t let the fish bully you’ under his breath in Duo’s direction.
As normality resumed the Chirpy chick re-appeared and seemed to have taken a shine to Blanko…..not in the mood for baby sitting, the chick was put in a bucket with a dirty Duo t-shirt to sleep for the night.
The following morning Wally was handed the bucket and the challenge of finding its parents.
During the week, Whispering Bob or Teabag as some know him had been beavering away in his OCD way in Double swim, and was hitting his spots nice and tight to the island, leading him to offer Top Cat these words of wisdom when casting tight to the Island ‘ Got to Flirt with the Trees’………poetry….pure poetry.
Teabag would flirt outrageously with the trees, so much so that most evening’s Wally was already sitting in the boat after dinner awaiting the call to rescue Teabag’s rig from the very flirtatious trees….
Down in the Cabin, Sleepy was clearly on a different mission to the rest of us, clearly Carp held little interest to him.
He had a Tench earlier in the week, and now was the proud captor of a double figure bream……he beamed as he told Wally and us of his capture that night ‘Bloody hell Phil, there are only 3 bream in the whole lake’ explained Wally……..that is how good an Angler Sleepy is.
He would go on to catch a Duck as well…………… the fucking swan kept well clear after that.
Talking of non-fish captures….one night after dinner, rods out, we were all sitting in our swims enjoying the evening tranquility……… TeaCosy was wrapped up on a telephone conversation the other side of the lake, which was cut very short by ‘Gotta go, fish on!’ accompanied by the beeeppppppppppppp of a one tone run which Cosy duly struck.
We watched avidly, readying ourselves for the walk round to his swim to congratulate, take photos and clock his rig and bait, and throw him in if a PB.
Fortunately for those of us too lazy for the walk, Cosy had been done by a Rat……the rat had run across the front of his swim and caught his line giving the false run.
Roland would be a frequent taunt for Cosy………however he was to outdo himself the following evening.
Sartorially, we are a challenged bunch on the bank, with most clothing combinations being acceptable…..socks and crocs were the highlight of last year, a variety of headwear was on display and who can forget Teabag’s boxers when he took a midnight dip last year……he was nearly beaten this year when Blanko took a dip with his PB in what appeared to be red Y fronts last seen on a Superman fancy dress costume….with a 40 in the net Blanko clearly did not care and was seen carousing up the bank drying out in said pants for a good 45 minutes….shocking.
Anyway, back to Cosy…..
We all had group T shirts……not looking sad enough at Calais in Olive green, we thought we should look really sad in matching olive green…….. T shirts with our names on them….we didn’t learn from last year.
Anyway, it had been a hot day, most of us getting our white bits out at some stage.
Cosy had clearly been very hot, and maybe had a little heat stroke, or had just got very, very, very bored…… he had taken his braid scissors to his t-shirt to cut off the arms and to scoop the neck…..I repeat , he had cut off the arms and scooped the neck.
He looked like a rejected Status Quo roadie or at best a budget Jean Claude Van Damme………oh he was definitely getting the Dick of the Day T shirt…..we just worried for its arms and neck.
The following day whilst assisting Boilie in returning a fat bellied 30 pounder, Blanko and Duo observed that for that fish to feed it would have to be tails up, as its belly would stop it reaching its food otherwise…….after a slight pause Duo observed ‘Must be how Boilie eats as well….’
Back to our orphaned chick……having been released by Wally, the resilient chick had not yet become a Catfish snack, and was still continuing its epic journey to re-unite with its parents….’cheep cheep’ ‘cheep cheep’ as it swam in circles across the lake…..as it neared the Social swims, Duo jumped into action. He had observed a similar set of chicks and parents in the far corner of the lake earlier that day and now ran around to scare them out into the lake……….we watched with baited breath….would he……..could he……yes!….he found his family…they didn’t kill or eat him and off they swam happily ever after…….Duo and Blanko shared a tender moment with a tear in their eye and returned warmly to their swims.
On the Thursday it was St George’s Day so Helen kindly agreed to make a BBQ. As Wally and H kept throwing dead stuff onto the BBQ, we were all looking around for the other twenty people that must be coming to dinner….but no it was all for us. We feasted well and Top Cat ate his own body weight in cooked meat. Teabag may have had a quiet night on the tea front.
And before we knew it, it was Saturday morning. Packing away in the wet and rain……no rain all week but waited especially for packing up time, but spirits were high. For one Cosy was going to try and catch an earlier train….so no delays for the rest of us.
We had a great week.
We did actually catch some fish…..32 in total…..not a huge haul…..the hot weather and high pressure had made it heavy going.
But we had a number of PB’s which meant lots of buckets of water and lots of getting wet, some great pictures, 4 Forties including a 45, a number of thirties, lots of Grass Carp……a bream…….and a duck……and nearly a rat……..and we could count a chick…….not a bad effort.
And Blanko didn’t blanko…..
We are already booked for next year, 364 days to go and the excitement begins again….
A lot of bull and chatter to go between now and then, and it will be fun while we wait.
Tackle shops in South London area (Danson Angling/Tackle Box) will do some good business as we look to replenish and outdo, and we will each be out on our Club lakes attempting to repeat our good efforts at Molyneux…..Sleepy may join the match circuit…
Until the next time……..with a flick of the tail it will be here……
‘Thank F$$k that lot are gone’
‘I know Wally, get onto Angling Lines and tell them they are not coming back’
‘ On it now H, cannot have another week like that’
‘ I like it when you are Masterful Wally, put your hat on….’
Ps. We would all like to thank our wives, girlfriends, significant others, kids, employer’s, employee’s, Wally & H, Angling Lines, Eurostar, Poacher Baits, Baitcraft, TF Security and all the others that allowed us to go fishing.
Tea Cosy would also like to apologize to all passengers on the 05:10 from Folkestone and no longer over fills his tank
Boilie apologizes to the local residents of Molyneux for any damage caused by flying leads…he has also asked if you find any can you drop them into Wally for next year
The Bermondsey contingent would like to apologize for their strong anglo saxon language and did not wish to cause any F$$king offence.
Frankie since his return has now learnt how to make a cup of tea…
Teabag is taking elocution lessons
Phil has swapped his carp rods for feeder rods and is thinking of entering the Drennan Cup next season
Duo keeps picking up stray chicks whenever he is out now
Blanko has his catch photos as his screen saver on his PC, tablet, phone, his wife’s phone, his kid’s phone, has Xmas cards ordered with his PB on it……
For more information on Molyneux follow the link – Carp fishing in France